Caring for the Inner Child
The Child
In an ideal world, our younger selves would have been born into hearing positive messages from our mothers. We would have heard her whispering these messages to us as early as in utero and felt seen and met and loved unconditionally for who we are from when we were born and into adulthood.
Well regulated baby
Stress free
However, for most of us, our own mothers carry the wounds of their mothers, and most often, were not able to fully meet our needs, and offer a secure attachment from which to start life. This, in turn, passed on wounding to us and created a multitude of different defence systems and developmental trauma from which to navigate the world with.
Most clients come to therapy because of early experiences in life that have led to negative beliefs And patterns that are no longer working and are causing pain and distress in their life that stems from early attachment, as well as a complexity of reasons. Early needs were not met.
The Positive Mother messages:
As you read these messages, you can notice your response to them and your inner child’s response to them. They originate from a collection of messages put together from different sources to demonstrate what unconditional love looks, sounds and feels like. They were introduced to me as part of my Psychotherapy training when learning about child development;
I love you
I’ll take care of you
You can trust me
I’ll be there for you
It’s not what you do but who you are that I love
You are special to me
I give you permission to be different from me
Sometimes I will tell you no and that’s because I love you.
My love will make you well
I see you and I hear you
You can trust your inner voice.
You don’t have to be afraid anymore
(From The Character structure module -The Kairos Centre)
The Healing
A large part of my work as a Soul Centred Psychotherapist is to support the client to be able to develop a positive inner figure, parent, and positive sponsor that can work better for the whole of who they are now, and fulfil the needs of their younger self. Over time, this results in the client’s ability to self-soothe and self-care rather than reject, neglect and forget about their younger selves (also known as the Orphan part) as was done to them by their parents.
The Therapists role is to model to the client healthy self-soothing techniques. When basic needs were not met, and baby was neglected by their primary caregiver physically and emotionally, it’s very difficult for that adult to offer themself care and love. As part of the therapeutic relationship, the client can learn to Build that internal muscle that allows them to begin to tolerate self-caring for the younger part until it becomes easeful and natural. This is a very powerful healing experience. It offers agency and genuine freedom from old complexes and negative beliefs and patterns, allowing choice in how one responds to self and to the world.
The Ritual
One of the ways I work with clients to support them in accessing and developing their relationship with their younger self is to introduce the ritual of lighting a candle. This is a way of honouring and acknowledging their younger self, the part that didn’t get their needs met. The part that went without. The part that wasn’t seen. I remember a time in my life when I was attending to my little one and lighting a candle daily. It was profound.
Modelling this in the therapeutic space, I work together with the client to set this up, getting to know their younger self, and exploring their needs and wants as the adult part listens and witnesses this.
Ritual offers a physical component that allows the experience to become embodied for the client. Having a copy of the positive mother messages to take home to read offers another tangible tool to use, and can help the client step into the role of the caring parent to their younger self. I encourage the client to have a special place set up for their younger self in the house. Have things they might like around them: soft toys, blanket, photo of you as a baby etc. Even yummy food. Spending 5-10 minutes a day with your younger self and their needs offers a deep sense of self-soothing and repair that is long-lasting and profoundly effective.
Most clients who attend regularly in this way report feeling a sense of grounding and centeredness. By attending to their child’s needs, the adult in them can continue to make better choices from the ground of the adult, allowing them to get their healthy needs met in a self-soothing and self-caring way. The child is no longer neglected and left behind in an orphaned state.
I find the commitment to acknowledge your younger self consciously daily in whatever way is right for you can bring about long-lasting changes and establish long-lasting positive self-care habits. Sometimes it can feel really hard to do, and that’s when it’s most needed.
Written by: Lindy Spanger Soul Centred Psychotherapist